


A Thousand Times 'No'

by OnTheGround2012



Series: Flinthamilton Stories/Stuff [5]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Admissions, Bedrooms, Beds, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff, Future, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Miranda Barlow (mentioned) - Freeform, Morning Kisses, Mornings, Past, Past Tense, Post-Finale, Questioning, Questions, Regret, Romantic Fluff, Sharing a Bed, Sleeping Together, Talking, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 01:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14368011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: Thomas wonders what would have happened if he had not kissed James that night, and a few more things.~~~~~~“Do you remember the first time we kissed?”That’s not the first thing he expected to hear that morning, that’s for sure. But then again, Thomas has the innate ability to surprise him more often than not, so it’s not like he’s shocked or anything… it’s more that his brain still needs to wake up completely.“Why would you even ask me that?” James frowns, looking up at Thomas. Does he really think he could forget that?





	A Thousand Times 'No'

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fourth Flinthamilton fic and I should say for those who don't know me that I love feedback... the best thing about publishing something is to find out how people feel about it afterwards... so yeah, just let me know whatever goes through your mind if you have a second. A simple thought/word is always very appreciated by me and any writer, I promise you that.
> 
> My Thomas' voice is not very good... you've been warned...
> 
> * Read more notes about the story at the end.
> 
> And well, this fic is my longest one for this pairing so I'm glad about that too.
> 
> Thanks so much to DreamingPagan for her beta and advice. She certainly improved it a lot.
> 
> And also thanks to bereweillschmidt for reading it and giving me an opinion.
> 
> Crossposted to [Tumblr](http://otg2012.tumblr.com/post/173102199553/a-thousand-times-no).

  
[](http://es.tinypic.com?ref=25kn9si)

[ ](http://es.tinypic.com?ref=29xsy2p)

 

Morning birds chirping, breeze through the window, soft linen against his skin, strong warm muscles under his body, heart beating steadily under his ear. The stillness. The peace. James is never going to get used to this. Every morning feels like this isn’t real. Maybe when winter comes, things will be different, but for now it still feels surreal.

He certainly doesn’t miss the rocking of the ship, the uncomfortable bunk, the fights to stay alive, the uncertainty of his future... the loneliness. The only thing he misses is Miranda but that is never going to change and he’s long accepted that.

He always knows the moment Thomas wakes up. The change in his breathing, big hands running slowly up and down his back, finding his shoulders, his ass, his neck, his hair. Blue eyes finding his if he looks up. Then his voice, hoarse from sleep. Unmistakable. Beautiful.

“Do you remember the first time we kissed?”

That’s not the first thing he expected to hear that morning, that’s for sure. But then again, Thomas has the innate ability to surprise him more often than not, so it’s not like he’s shocked or anything… it’s more that his brain still needs to wake up completely.

“Why would you even ask me that?” James frowns, looking up at Thomas. Does he really think he could forget that?

“Well, it’s been ten years. Maybe to you, it feels like it happened in another lifetime… I don’t know.”

“Do you… do you feel that way?”

“No… I just. I just wondered last night.”

James snorts. “You’ve never just ‘wondered’ about anything in your whole life. There’s always a reason behind everything you say. So, just tell me what’s on your mind.”

Thomas bites his lips and stays silent at first.

“When they first took me to that hospital. It was… it was difficult.” Thomas finally says. “The only thing that kept me sane was thinking about you. Thinking that you felt the same way I did. Thinking that you and Miranda would be safe far from England. And I kept replaying that moment in my mind every day. Not that I didn’t think about everything else that came after that… but I think that with everything I was going through, a part of me that I can’t even recognise started to regret that moment…”

“Regret?” James raises his eyebrows and moves to the side, propping his head up on his hand.

“Yes, regret... and guilt, I suppose. Remember that I had nothing but time. Time didn’t seem to pass. And I kept going back to that moment thinking how it changed everything for all of us… Wondering where would we be then if I hadn’t approached you… wondering if you would have ever acted on your feelings otherwise... wondering if you’d be happy sailing across the ocean with a new assignment. I wondered a lot of nonsense. And that’s exactly what they wanted. They wanted me to feel shameful… to lose my mind so that I was crazy for real.”

“Thomas--”

“The truth is that with what my actions… I ruined your career and my wife’s life. It was the beginning of the end and you know it as well as I do.”

“You didn’t do anything,” James frowns with debelief. “It was your father’s doing--”

“Yes, but I gave it to him on a silver platter. _I_ gave him the excuse he needed to put an end to our plans. I couldn’t have been more stupid--”

“You couldn’t be stupid even if you tried.” James smiles. “But still, let me tell you… everything you just said, that’s all bullshit. First of all, Miranda was right, as usual… your father would have found the way to put an end to your proposal one way or another. And second of all, I was a very willing participant of that relationship if you remember. I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. And I thank god every day because you had the guts to take the step that I was too much of a coward to take.”

“You’ve never been a coward in your life.” Thomas smiles. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

“Yeah, well, that might be the case but when it came to you, _Lord Hamilton_ … I couldn’t find the courage. So to answer what you wondered before… you were right, if you hadn’t…” James licks his lips. “I mean, if you hadn’t done what you did…” James snorts and bites his lower lip, “of course, I would never have said anything.”

“Dear, you didn’t need to say anything else. You made it pretty clear. Not that I needed it at that point… but to actually hear it…” Thomas smiles as he tries to find the right words.

“The confidence in your words gave me the confidence I had been lacking until that night. It was an awakening of sorts, I suppose. I had to kiss you or die trying. It was that simple.”

Thomas closes his eyes and shakes his head as he remembers.

“Shit. That was a side of you I had never seen before and I think… no, I _know_...” Thomas nods. “That was the moment I fell in love with you… So, no, I didn’t stop to think about the consequences. I forgot about my father, about Miranda... everything that I had thought about before just ceased to exist. The truth is that I couldn’t have stopped myself even if I had wanted to.”

“I’m glad you didn’t stop.” James smiles back as his right hand finds Thomas’ intertwining their fingers.

“Even with everything that came after that?”

“Well, I admit that being away from you for ten years wasn’t _ideal_ … and of course, Miranda should be here to call you on your bullshit… but, I wouldn’t change a single thing about that moment. Well, that’s not true, actually. Maybe you should have waited for her to leave, wouldn’t you agree?”

“As I said, I couldn’t have stopped myself and besides, she knew perfectly about my feelings. It was not surprise to her. If anything, I’m sure she was bewildered it didn’t happen sooner.”

There is a silence after that. James is not sure what to say to that. It’s a weird feeling to think that Miranda knew from the start and accepted it without hesitation, but she knew who she had married from the beginning and she adored him nonetheless. That is something else he loved about her.

“Have you… I mean, have you thought about it?” Thomas asks, mirroring James’ position on his pillow.

“You mean about that night?”

“Yes... when you thought I had died… what did you think about?”

“What did you think I thought about?”

“I asked you first.” Thomas smiles.

“Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be,” James says, amused.

“We’ve never talked about it.” Thomas insists.

“What’s there to talk about?” Thomas should know how he felt and what he went through. He’s supposed to know him as well as he knew Miranda.

“Wasn’t there anybody whom you were close to? Anybody who--”

“Hold on,” James smirks. “so, _that_ is what this is about? You want to know if I fucked anybody else?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“No, in so many words, no. But that’s what you’re wondering.”

“James, I didn’t mean--”

“It’s fine. The answer is ‘no’. A thousand times ‘no’. Even if I had wanted to forget you... Even if I had been able to because of some bizarre miracle of nature. I was surrounded by pirates all day long… and yes, I became one of them, I was their captain for god’s sake, but the only thing we had in common was our disdain for England, and in some cases not even that… In some cases, they just hated society as much as society hated them. And wanted nothing else than to live by their rules and die by them. They couldn’t have been more different from you…”

“Even this Silver you talked about? The one who told you where I was?”

James snorts. “God, yes, especially him… Let me put it this way: it’s like you and he belong to complete different species. And it has nothing to do with where he came from… he really was a valuable friend and ally, and I will always be thankful that he found you, but you two have nothing in common, believe me, and I don’t know about you… but even if I hadn’t been comparing everybody to you, I was so full of hate... and grief, that there wasn’t room for anybody else. I didn’t wish for anyone else. Of course, Miranda knew that and that’s why she wanted us to leave Nassau.”

“I thought you’d be _fine_... together.”

“Yes, well… the fact that it became bearable, didn’t make it fine. When I wanted _fine_ … when I wanted peace for just a moment… I would let myself drift back to those times we fucked against your bookshelf, on your desk, in my bed. Other times I would think about the first time you mentioned… how my heart was beating so fast that I thought it was coming out of my chest… or how when our lips touched, I realised there was no coming back from that. I thought about all the times I came to your office and you kissed me before I could utter a word… about how you wanted me all the time.” James bites his lower lip, unsure if he’s maybe said too much.

“Are you sure that’s all you thought about?” Thomas grins in that wicked way he does sometimes.

“I also thought about the last day we saw each other,” James admits, suddenly somber. “I wouldn’t let myself go there very often… but when I did, I missed the way you read to me. The sound of your voice… your love for that damn book. The way you held me against that window, almost convincing me that there was a future for us. God, I missed your hands…” James looks at the joined hands before finding Thomas’ gaze again. “I thought about everything I should have told you that day and I never got the chance.”

“Well, from now on, you’re not allowed to think about that day ever again, do you hear me? That’s all behind us now. We have a future. A real one.” Thomas smiles. “And I’ll make sure you never miss my hands again.”

James snorts a laugh and smiles. Some of his longer strands fall loosely over his face.

“In that case, I’ll take that as a promise, my lord,” James says as he comes closer, finding Thomas’ lips with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> For me the main idea of this fic was to show how I see James' feelings about Thomas while he thought that Thomas was dead. It is disturbing to see some people thinking that he could have been in love with somebody else, you know? So, yeah, I wanted Thomas to be sure that he was the only one on his mind. At the same time, I wanted them to talk about that life changing moment when they kissed for the first time. I haven't read more than a fic about that and I wanted to explore what they both were feeling in that moment. And also, I wanted to get into Thomas' mind and kind of talk about how he felt when he was sent to that hospital. Of course, I was afraid that this could turn into something too sweet or too corny... so I hope it isn't... you'll have to decide that.
> 
> I'm [otg2012](http://otg2012.tumblr.com) on Tumblr if you wanna share any thoughts or whatever.
> 
> Comments & kudos are love :)


End file.
